Little Gray

17 July 2004

My class had our end-of-year barbeque at Pasir Ris Park in December 1998. As a birthday threat for myself, I went to catch longkang fish in Pasir Ris Kid's Kampong. My catch is pretty good; I managed to catch more than 50+ little fishes of all kind, all not exceeding 7cm in length. I decided to bring these little fishes home and take care of them.

All is good, until one day, I did something terrible that makes feel guilty for the rest of my life. I really regret doing that. :(

I forgot the exact date of the incident; I only remembered it happened between December 1998 and February 1999. On that afternoon, my younger brother (2 years younger than me) and I caught 2 of the fishes, both gray in colour, one with a lighter tone (I shall name it "Little Gray"), and the other with a slightly darker shade (I shall name it "Deep Gray") out of the community and transferred them into a small pail. We went to get some toothpicks (I forgot who suggested it) and we started attacking the innocent fishes. One of our toothpick poked into Little Gray and it started struggling in pain. Both of us continue attacking Little Gray until its head was detached from its body, with just a layer of skin connect its head to its body. Quite a lot of blood (considered a lot for its size) flowed out from its wound.

The eyes of Little Gray was wide open, starring right at me. The stare was as if it was pleading to me: "Why did you murdered me, an innocent little fish that was your pet?", "Why are you so cruel to take away my life?", "Did I offended you to deserve this?". Suddenly, I was awaked from my evilness. My mind was in a loss, immersed with guilt.

My brother and I were afraid that our act of evil mischief would be discovered by Mumy. As such, we decided to throw the body of Little Gray into the toilet bowl and flushed it away. However, after three times of flushing, Little Gray remained in the toilet bowl, staring at us. I suggested washing some soap bubble into the toilet bowl, and Little Gray was flushed away successfully... While it succeeded in flushing Little Gray away, it did not wash away our guilt. We confessed our act to Mumy that night.

Deep Gray was lucky enough to escape death. In guilt and perhaps as an act of redemption to Little Gray, I vowed to take good care of Deep Gray. I placed Deep Gray in a separate tank (consider big for its size to let it swim freely), hoping the soul of Little Gray would accompany Deep Gray. True enough, Deep Gray survived the longest among its community of longkang fish. If I remembered correctly, Deep Gray lived till Autumn 1999, while the rest of the longkang fishes died months before Deep Gray.

4+ years had passed, I still feel really terrible while typing this now. I still feel really very bad to Little Gray. I am not afraid of Little Gray and Deep Gray would seek revenge on me, because I really did them wrong. Maybe, I might even feel better if they do.

Little Gray inspired me to want to compose a ballad-rock single "forgiveness" in memory and tribute to both Little Gray and Deep Gray. I imagined the cover art of the single to be a crayon drawing of Little Gray's death condition. I pray that Little Gray, Deep Gray and the other longkang fishes would rest in peace.

Labels: ,

Little Gray   © 文彬 2004~2024. All rights reserved.