28 March 2024 (Thursday)

28 March 2024

Today (28 March 2024 Thursday), I am finally done with all radiotherapy treatment. I also completed the first phase of chemotherapy treatment (daily pill) today. Praise the Lord for giving me strength & sustaining me. 🙏🏻

During my routine follow-up at NUH on 7 June 2023, my neurosurgeon Dr Teo Kejia informed that from MRI scans, the brain tumour had relapsed.

The next day (8.6.23 Thu), after my morning shower, I had a huge cry; a huge emotional breakdown. I told Mumy that I am really very tired. I am tired of fighting, tired of waiting, tired of living in fear, tired of eating medicine, tired of having no freedom, tired of having false hope, tired of struggling. the outburst is an accumulation of anxiety & frustration, unrealized dreams, etc... I still have scary flashback of the May 2020 operation. memories of being wheelchaired to the OT alone (CB restrictions), with the 8am morning sunshine flooding the long corridor is still haunting me (to the extent that i developed a phobia of seeing morning sunlight shining through glass panels). I was also alone thruout the 5days stay in hospital. While the 2020 surgery is very successful, i still cant help but worry whether i might lose part of my memory or functions (i.e. language, motor, sensory) if i go thru another operation. I am really afraid of losing memory & functions.

Ironically, another part of me screamed loudly that if i gave up now, it is a complete lost, as there will really be no hope, something i'm not resigned to.

Mumy hug & sayang me. Mumy said she already lost Papa & she dont want to lose me. Mumy took some of my favourite things for me; Mumy tells me to hug jimjim, baixiong & xiaoxiong. Mumy wiped my tears; she tells me to stop crying. However, i told her i feel better for crying out, so she let me cry. Mumy says i should only start thinking after i calm down. Mumy also passed me my bible, ask me to read & calm down. Mumy said Jesus will protect me. Mumy hug & sayang me again.

After much consideration, I decided to go for the operation. As there are still too many things unsettled, I discussed with Dr Teo for the surgery to be after the planned Japan trip in September 2023, because 1 of my '2020 dying wish' was to bring Mumy to Japan at least once, and I had already booked our flight & hotels in March 2023. The operation was originally scheduled on 16 October 2023. However, I was down with flu after the Japan trip, so the operation was postponed till 26 December 2023, as the medical team opined that there is risk of infection & vibration due to cough & phlegm.

Together with my surgeon Dr Kejia, anaesthesian Dr Will, clinical psychologist Dr Hui Minn & team, I fought bravely again during the operation on 26 December 2023. Based on the op procedures, awake segment assessments & MRI scans, Doctors shared that the surgery is successful, removing most of the tumour (estimated >95% of the tumour) without affecting my functions & memories. The residual cannot be removed, as the awake assessment shows that removing it will affect the function & sensation of my left hand. Hence, i'm advised to do radiotherapy & chemotherapy to destroy the residual, prevent the residual from growing or progress, prevent relapse, and to prolong my life.

I started the 1st radiotherapy session on 13 February 2024 (every work day); I also started chemotherapy on 13 February 2024 (via pills daily).

The fatigue from radiotherapy, constipation from the chemo pills & hair fall from radiotherapy are really difficult to handle. Before treatment, my oncologists did mentioned that there might be hair loss. The radiotherapists shared that hair loss is temporary & likely will only start after the 14th session. True enough, after completing the 14th session, when I was showering at home, I started seeing significant hair fall on the part of my scalp where radiotherapy treatment is targeting. It is very scary, upset & sad to see my hand with lots of hair whenever i wash or touch it. The radiotherapists shared that the hair fall is due to irritation from radiation treatment, hair fall might increase gradually, but hair will regrow about 2-4weeks after treatment stop.

Shouting a big 'Thank You' to all radiotherapists of A14 (Carinne, Rahmat, Chin Leng) [+ other radiotherapists (e.g. Samantha, Choon Yen, Guan Da, Guan Lee, Jian Yang) who helped out at A14]. Going through radiotherapy treatment is scary. There is a lot of anxiety; procedures like putting on the tight mask induces claustrophobia, detecting burnt smell and feeling random pain/sensation during or after treatment, expecting and experiencing different kinds of side effects after each session, mild dizziness, fatigue, hair fall, etc. Honestly, these can be quite overwhelming on certain days. Thank you for being so patient and assuring throughout the 33 radiotherapy sessions, listening to my concerns and answering all my enquiries. Thank you for playing a big role in my recovery journey.

My health condition is the reason why I have been declining invitations for bday celebrations, x'mas, cny, gatherings, meet-ups and weddings. my sincere apologies for these and appreciate your understanding on this.

I will be on 28days break, before transiting to a '5days chemo 23days rest' cycle, which should end on 17 September 2024.

While my life plans are messed up and many plans need to be postponed, I have faith that I will win this battle. Please pray for me for healing and full recovery.

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28 March 2024 (Thursday)   © 文彬 2004~2024. All rights reserved.

Benign Brain Tumour

01 December 2023

March 2020
Seizure on 13 March 2020 & Diagnosed with benign brain tumour

April 2020
Going for surgery to remove the benign brain tumour on 26 May (Tue) at NUH

May 2020
Benign Brain Tumour Operation (26 May 2020)
Update on Benign Brain Tumour Operation (26 May 2020)

June 2020
survival monthsary

July 2020
Post-Ops Psychological Assessment on 27.7.20 (Tuesday)

August 2020
11weeks since my surgery & MUP Year 2 Semester 1 starts today

May 2021
1st 'reborn anniversary'.

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Benign Brain Tumour   © 文彬 2004~2024. All rights reserved.

my experience and journey with Jesus Christ

08 November 2021

Hello.
I am writing to share my experience and journey with Jesus Christ.

Diagnosed with benign brain tumour
I studied Master of Urban Planning (MUP) at NUS from August 2019. On 13 March 2020 (Fri), after buying sweets at NUS Co-op, I had a seizure (this was the first time I ever had a seizure) and fainted in NUS Central Library. I was admitted to NUH ICU, slipped into coma for 2days and only gained conscious on the afternoon of 15 March (Sun).

After numerous scans and analysis, I was diagnosed with a benign brain tumour of about 4cm x 3cm at my right parietal lobe. This benign brain tumour is the cause of my recent seizures, vertigo & fainting spells. Subsequently over the next few weeks, a team of neurosurgeons, psychologists and physiotherapists did a series of tests to assess my (baseline) condition and discussed how to treat/manage my condition. Based on their assessment and my age/condition, Dr Teo (my main neurosurgeon)’s preference is to remove the benign brain tumour through an awake surgery.

To be honest, at the time when the diagnosis was made known to me, I was calm, but I cannot accept my condition, as it happened out of the blue and I have been generally quite fit and healthy. At 34 years old, I felt my world had suddenly collapsed. I felt more upset than sad. I was worried that everything I learnt, everything I knew and everything I done might become wasted. I was worried over many things: will I fully recover after surgery? will there be a dent on my skull after the surgery? will I lose any existing memories or functions? will I be able to cope with my medical bills and financial needs? will I still be employable in the future? I also questioned “why me?”, “why do I need to be punished?” when I generally don't do evil things onto others. But I am a rather strong-willed, stubborn person, someone who don't give up easily when thrown with a challenge. I slowly came to terms with my condition over the next few days and I hope to receive treatment for a full recovery. At that time, I wanted to win the battle, so that I can continue with whatever things I planned to do in life.

I was scheduled for a surgery to remove the benign brain tumour on 26 May 2020 at NUH. Surgery was the best treatment, because the greatest worry was, the tumour might be non-benign, as the lesion is enhancing, or the tumour might grow/change. The nature of the tumour can only be confirmed after biopsy lab analysis, which will take about 1week after surgery. Dr Teo assured that success rate of the operation is 95%, and if everything goes smoothly, I would fully recover within 1week (fastest) or 3months (slowest). While speech & mobility might be affected during recovery, there won't be any permanent damage. Dr Teo also assured that the tumour and surgery won't affect my memory, knowledge & skills. Although the surgery will leave scar and make me imperfect, it is the only way towards full recovery. also I have faith in Dr Teo and team. Therefore, I took this largest gamble in my life.

Preparing for the Surgery
Based on the outpatient reviews, baseline memory assessment & MRI scans, success rate of the operation remains at 95%; the tumour and surgery is unlikely to cause any permanent damage or affect my memory, knowledge & skills. While I have full confidence with my medical team, I still have my worries about post-op recovery and many what-if. Afterall, it is a major surgery on a complex vital organ. Therefore, while aiming for the most optimistic outcome and keeping my fighting spirit high, I also need to be mentally prepared for the worst case scenarios.

After submitted my final essay for MUP Year 1 Semester 2 on 29 April 2020, I had been spending the next few weeks (which at the worst scenario, might just be the last few days of my life then) flipping through photo albums & jotting down brief month-by-month biography. There were happy moments, beautiful memories, and fair share of sadness and angst. Many of my happiest moments are those I spent with my family and loved ones. I got to talk and laugh with my family on these memories. I wish to have more time to construct more memories with them. I cherished the people & things around me even more and I finally learnt to let go of those that I lose. I was doing this documentation for practicality, in case I might forget part of my memories after the surgery (while unlikely, I thought it was better doing it, just in case). I felt I was fighting against time, as I feel there were so many things I want to do. This was especially true, when time was running out as 26 May 2020 approached. It was also an opportunity for me to reflect on my life: I reviewed what I have dreamt of, what I have done, what I have achieved, which are my pride, what I am aiming for, what I have not completed; and thinking/re-thinking what I want to do in the future. I also wrote my will to my mother and brother. To be honest, this was a very weird and surreal experience.

I am very thankful to be Mumy's son and I am very fortunate to have an extremely supportive brother; no words can express how much I love them. They just recovered from the loss of Papa and now they have to take care of me. They are my greatest motivation to stay alive. I am also fortunate to have relatives who have been very supportive, and friends for your advices, support, encouragement and prayers.

On the morning of 26 May 2020, on my way to NUH for a 10h surgery to remove the benign brain tumour, I wrote what could be my "last words" to my family and friends. I felt like I'm going to a war and I must win this battle. But at the same time, I think I had been rather calm since learning about my condition.

Successful Surgery & Encounter with Jesus
I underwent a surgery on 26 May 2020 to remove the brain tumour; the surgery proper started at 9.45am and lasted for about 5h (including 2h of awake assessment segment) and I gained consciousness at 7.30pm that evening.

Before the surgery, I have always been pretty atheist and never religious. However, I experienced a miracle during the 2nd deep sedation stage (3rd part of the surgery, immediately after the awake assessment, when doctors are covering/sewing back my skull). During this deep sleep/sedation, I dreamt of a young, slim, bearded, Jesus, wearing white rode, holding a staff, with bright lights shining from behind him. However, I cannot see his facial feature clearly due to back light. Jesus introduced himself in Chinese, telling me to wake up if I want to go home. Jesus called my name and introduced himself in chinese "我是耶稣, 不要怕. 如果你要回家, 要见白熊 (my teddy bear since toddler), 你就一定要醒起来, 你需要动动你的手指, 脚趾..." [Translation: Jesus said "I am Jesus. Don't be afraid. If you want to go home, if you want to see white teddy (my teddy bear since toddler), you must wake up; you must move your fingers & toes..."]. I woke up almost immediately, in tears. While the duration is very brief, it is a very real, yet surreal experience, and it does not feel like a dream as I am very aware of my senses. It is a joy when I realized I can easily move my fingers and wiggle my toes. It was 7.30pm when I woke up.

I can see, hear, talk, move my fingers/toes/hands/feet and swallow without difficulties upon waking up. I had on-off tension headaches, nausea & giddiness, which doctors said were normal after a brain surgery. Dr Teo (my neurosurgeon), neuropsychologist, speech therapists and occupational therapists assessed that the surgery is very successful; the team successfully remove all the tumour (confirmed through the post-op MRI scan analysis). I remembered all of my memories and retained all cognitive functions. The biopsy result indicated that the removed tumour is Grade 3; however, as the surgery successfully removed all the tumour cells, my neurosurgeon opined there is no need for further treatment (i.e. no need for radio or chemo therapy), but I am required to be on lifelong follow-up to constantly monitor the condition. I was informed by Dr Teo that I have an additional life expectancy of 7years to chase any unfinished dreams. I was discharged on 30 May 2020.

Recovery is good. I no longer have light-headedness, giddiness nor headache. Overall result of my Post-Op Psychological Assessment on 28 July 2020 is good; my cognitive capability is still above average among my age group. In fact, my learning curve improved and attention span maintained. While my fine visual/spatial judgement was still superior, there is slight impairment as compared to the baseline test done before surgery. However, this did not affect my daily routine or precision accuracy, and I had fully recovered from this. Based on my post-surgery MRI scans & follow-up appointments in August 2020, March 2021 and September 2021, my neurosurgeon assessed that I have fully recovered, but will still be on lifelong follow-up.

I have resumed school life since August 2020 (I have graduated in July 2021) and physical exercises to keep fit. However, there is a rather long and obvious L-shaped scar on my scalp and hair no longer grow from the scar tissue; I am still trying to come to terms with this bald scar.

Faith
After being discharged from hospital, I bought a Children Bible to read and try my best to know more about Jesus and the Christianity faith. I also tried to research and read text online to learn more about Jesus, Christianity and the Bible.

I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour on 26 May 2020 (the day of the surgery). I would like to thank Jesus for his love & blessing. I am eternally grateful to Jesus. I am really really very grateful to Jesus for saving my life and encouraging me during my weakest. His words and the miracle helped me to overcome a difficult hurdle in life. I guess, sometimes, we do need faith and miracle to overcome a difficult hurdle in life. I am still praying hard to Jesus for full recovery, and never suffer a relapse. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

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my experience and journey with Jesus Christ   © 文彬 2004~2024. All rights reserved.

1st 'reborn anniversary'.

26 May 2021

cakes to celebrate my 1st 'reborn anniversary' (after my surgery on 26 May 2020).

when i was been wheeled from NUH Kent Ridge Wing to the Operation Theatre at NUH Main Building, warm sunlight shining through the windows of the long corridor makes me want to see the sunlight tomorrow. when i started inhaling the anaesthesia & slowly closing my eyes, i really want to wake up again. Thanks to Dr Teo Kejia, Dr Chan Hui Minn, Dr Will Loh & team for the successful surgery. Thank you Lord Jesus for performing miracles in my life. Life is good. Grateful.
活着真好; 感恩还能看到明天的日出.
#Reborn #2ndBirthday #Kintsugi

[FAQ: many asked me what's the differences before/after surgery? actually besides the huge L-shaped scar on my scalp, my daily life & cognitive functions are the same, just without the headaches. am also training back my physical fitness. probably the only 'difference' is, i have frequent recurring weird dreams (only started occurring after surgery) that seems like vivid snippets of presumably my past life! my name was "Ge Zhuang Kai" (i'm also knew of other personal details like age, school, daily life), setting is usually at Kallang Bahru area in the early 80s (based on fashion & hairstyle). quite interesting to 'watch' these dejavu details unveils, like as if i'm watching a biographical movie. 也许我的前世真的叫"葛砖楷"... if anyone knows who is “Ge Zhuang Kai” or a Sec4 VS boy being stabbed near school in 1980s, please let me know. hahaha 😛]


Annex:
- original message after being diagnosed: https://fumiakira.blogspot.com/2020/03/13-march-2020-fri.html
- original message after deciding to go for operation: https://fumiakira.blogspot.com/2020/04/going-for-surgery-to-remove-benign.html
- original message before surgery (which really reads like my last words): https://fumiakira.blogspot.com/2020/05/benign-brain-tumour-operation-26-may.html
- original message after surgery: https://fumiakira.blogspot.com/2020/05/update-on-benign-brain-tumour-operation.html

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1st 'reborn anniversary'.   © 文彬 2004~2024. All rights reserved.

11weeks since my surgery & MUP Year 2 Semester 1 starts today

11 August 2020

hello.
it has been exactly 11weeks since my surgery & MUP Year 2 Semester 1 starts today. since many are asking, i’m thinking maybe i should do a quick update.

recovery is good; no more light-headedness, giddiness nor headache. i went for my Post-Op Psychological Assessment on 28 July. overall result is good; my cognitive capability is still above average among my age group. my learning curve improved & attention span maintained.

wound healing seems to trigger faster hair growth & my hair is thicker/blacker than usual. as the doctors shaved my head completely bald (skinhead) during the operation, my hair is at an awkward length now; too long to be cool (crew cut), too short for suave combing. since my hair is growing pretty fast & i cant go for haircut (some scabs are still intact), i’m thinking of keeping it longer to try some hippy hairstyle (maybe top knot?) or DIY a funky buzz cut. meanwhile, i’ll be wearing a hat/cap, which is also good to hide the scar.

staying at home for 4months is the best remedy for skin whitening! i was extremely tanned from site visits & afternoon runs. i’m at least 2 shades fairer (almost fade to my original skin colour) now. have not been going out, except for medical appointments & impt errands.

my family imposed a very strict diet. the silver lining: i get to eat homecook food by Mumy & i love it. my main meals are a mixture of threadfin, lean pork, chicken breast, eggs, tofu, tomato, pumpkin & greens. snacks are bread, biscuits & fruits only. i managed to lose fat & stay lean.

been doing simple exercises using my body weight: plank, push-ups & stretches. hope to resume running, dancing & weights by December.

i have not been doing much during the past 11weeks; only writing. my surgeon, physiotherapists & psychologist said writing/typing are good rehab for recovery, as it stimulates thinking & motor coordinations. been drafting new blogs, which contents are on Singapore places (an extension of my adm fyp “M.a.p.”) & Japan travel tips. hope to launch it in 2021 (10years after completion of “M.a.p.”). completed the research, just need time to finish writing & layout. will publish if there is funding. :)

also been creating iTunes playlists, watching TV (eg “SKY Castle”, taiwan variety, concerts), planning travel itenaries & springcleaning. pretty much a ‘recovery holiday’ similar to 2007 when i fractured my Left 3rd Metacarpal. staying at home doing things i like is definitely the best & most relaxing holiday ever.

while my fine visual/spatial judgement is still superior, there is slight impairment as compared to the baseline test done before surgery. however, this will not affect my daily routine or precision accuracy & it will recover with time.

i lose 11kg since June 2019. actually doctors said i can eat anything.

[P.S. Happy Birthday Papa.]

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11weeks since my surgery & MUP Year 2 Semester 1 starts today   © 文彬 2004~2024. All rights reserved.

Post-Ops Psychological Assessment on 27.7.20 (Tuesday)

27 July 2020

Post-Ops Psychological Assessment on 27.7.20 (Tuesday) with my Surgical Psychologist Dr Chan Hui Minn.

collected back the spare copy of my will, which i asked Dr Hui Minn to help me safekeep before the surgery.

overall result of the Post-Ops Psychological Assessment is good. my cognitive capability is still above average as compared to people of my age group. my learning curve in learning new things improved & attention span maintained.

while my visual spatial judgement, visual spatial speed & fine judgement skills are still super good, there is slight impairment (dropped from superior to superior) in these as compared to my pre-op Psychological Assessment (baseline test) done in May 2020; but it will not affect normal tasks & daily routine. these might only affect higher level tasks that requires accurate precision (eg to the details of millimetre or even smaller).

recently, i had a new/weird recurring nightmare that everyone (including my brother & cousins) keeps telling me that i am from Victoria School (!??) i noticed that i’m wearing VS black & yellow PE T-shirt.

most of the time, i was in a classroom of the Geylang Bahru campus. but once, i was walking around the Kallang Bahru HDB precinct outside school. shortly, my sling bag was snatched/robbed & i was stabbed in the abdomen by a knife. [wake up upon being stabbed]

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Post-Ops Psychological Assessment on 27.7.20 (Tuesday)   © 文彬 2004~2024. All rights reserved.

survival monthsary

26 June 2020

writing compliment cards is the least i can do to thank the doctors, nurses & staff of National University Hospital who saved my life & took care of me. :)

#NationalUniversityHospital #NUH @nuhig

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survival monthsary   © 文彬 2004~2024. All rights reserved.

Update on Benign Brain Tumour Operation (26 May 2020)

30 May 2020

[update] my surgery started at 9.45am on 26.5.20 & the whole sugery lasted for abt 5h (incl 2h of awake assessment segment). i gained consciousness on 26.5.20 at ard 7.30pm. i can talk, move my fingers/toes/hands/feet & swallow without difficulties. for now i have on-off tension headaches, nausea & giddiness, which doctors said are normal after a brain surgery.

my neurosurgeon, neuropsychologist, speech therapists & occupational therapists assessed that the surgery is very successful; the team successfully remove all the tumour (confirmed thru the post-op MRI scan analysis). i remembered most (if not all) of my memories & retained all cognitive functions. biopsy result indicated that the removed tumour is Grade 3; however as the surgery successfully removed all the tumour cells, neurosurgeon opined there is no need for further treatment (i.e. no need for radio or chemo therapy, but i’ll still require constant follow-up monitoring & i should have an additional life expectancy of 7years to chase any unfinished dreams.

everyone shld know i have always been pretty atheist & never religious. but i think i experienced a miracle during the 2nd deep sedation stage (3rd part of the surgery, immediately after the awake assessment, when doctors are covering/sewing back my skull) i dreamt of a young, slim, bearded, Jesus wearing white rode, holding a staff, with lights behind him. Jesus introduced himself in chinese, telling me to wake up if i want to go home. “我是耶稣, 不要怕. 如果你要回家, 要见白熊 (my teddy bear since toddler), 你就一定要醒起来, 你需要动动你的手指脚趾...” {“i’m jesus, dun b afraid. if u want to go home, want to see white teddy (my teddy bear since toddler), u must wake up, u must move your fingers & toes....”} i woke up almost immediately, in tears. its a joy that i realized i can easily moved my fingers & wiggle my toes. & i’m discharged today (30.5.20). Thank you Jesus. i guess, sometimes, we do need faith & miracle to overcome a difficult hurdle. i’m praying hard for full recovery & for life to be back to normal asap.

[note: thank god i shaved my chest & stomach before admission... i should have shave my feet & legs too! the removal of foot dorsal IV drips plasters, tapes, ECG pads are just as painful as waxing... 😱😭 other accidentally waxed areas incl eyebrows & scalp.]

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Update on Benign Brain Tumour Operation (26 May 2020)   © 文彬 2004~2024. All rights reserved.

Benign Brain Tumour Operation (26 May 2020)

26 May 2020

i am never good in speaking; i’m much better in expressing my feelings & thoughts through writing.

26.5.20: I am on my way to NUH for a 10h surgery to remove the benign brain tumour. based on the outpatient reviews, baseline memory assessment & MRI scans, success rate of the operation remains at 95%; the tumour & surgery is unlikely to cause any permanent damage or affect my memory, knowledge & skills.

while i have full confidence with my medical team, i still have my worries about post-op recovery & many what-if. afterall, it is a major surgery on a complex vital organ. therefore, while aiming for the most optimistic outcome & keeping my fighting spirit high, i also need to be mentally prepared for the worst case scenarios.

after submitted my final essay for Y1S2 on 29.4.20, i have been spending the past few weeks (which at the worst scenario, might just be the last few days of my life) flipping through photo albums & jotting down brief month-by-month biography. there are happy moments, beautiful memories + fair share of sadness & angst. i get to talk & laugh with my family on these memories. i’m doing this for practicality, in case i might forget part of my memories (while unlikely, am doing it just in case). it is also an opportunity for me to reflect on my life: i reviewed what i have dreamt of, what i have done, what i have achieved, which are my pride, what i am aiming for, what i have not completed + thinking/re-thinking what i want to do in the future... tbh this is a very weird & surreal exercise.

以前, 我会觉得我最大的敌人是我自己. 但当我慢慢长大, 我开始发现我最大的敌人是时间; 因为人类可以超越自己, 但始终无法超越时间. this is especially true, when time is running out. many of my happiest moments are those i spent with my family & loved ones. i wish to have more time to construct more memories with them. i cherished the people & things around me even more & i finally learnt to let go of those that i lose.

i am very thankful to be Mumy’s son & have an extremely supportive brother; no words can express how much i love them. they just recovered from the loss of Papa & now they have to take care of me. they are my greatest motivation to stay alive.

i am also fortunate to have relatives who have been very supportive. i’m really thankful to Jonas, Olsen, Sandy, CheeKia, EnRu, Ryan, TianAn, XiangLing, XiuHua, LiLing, Ivan, Ann, BMT buddies, Raymond, Janessa, Chelsea, Jesvin, Eugene, DT, Beancurd Tofus, Yuting, Ken, Jane, ChinYee, JiaEn, YY, Lydia, fz, Serene, Shaye etc for your advices, support & encouragement. + MUP groupmates Cheryl, Chang, Anusha, Archana, Fathima, Ishwari & Sherie who supported me thru the remainder of Y1S2.

i feel like i’m gg to a war & an INTJ 不会打没把握的战 (i think i have been rather calm since learning about my condition). but if this happen to be my last post (which i hope not), thank you for being my friend & walked with me during part of my 34+ years long journey. 「その全て忘れない...」

[note: stop asking me if i’m ok. perhaps u might wish to PM me on how we met & the memories we shared. or u may test my knowledge on Maps, J-pop, K-pop or Japan. i think i’ll enjoy reading & replying these during recovery.]

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Benign Brain Tumour Operation (26 May 2020)   © 文彬 2004~2024. All rights reserved.

Going for surgery to remove the benign brain tumour on 26 May (Tue) at NUH

11 April 2020

i’ll be going for surgery to remove the benign brain tumour on 26 May (Tue) at NUH; success rate of op is 95%. if everything goes smoothly, i’ll fully recover within 1wk (fastest) - 3mths (slowest). speech & mobility might be affected during recovery, but wont cause any permanent damage. the tumour & surgery wont affect my memory, knowledge & skills.

althru surgery will leave scar & make me imperfect, its the only way towards full recovery; so i’m taking this largest gamble in my life. if i win, i’ll get at least 14yrs of extra time. + i’m a follower of the wabi-sabi philosophy & kintsugi art; this episode will make me stronger.

i’m sure i’ll win this fight & fully recover soon! bcoz there are still many things i want to do, but not done/complete.

note: i’m really thankful to friends who have been helping me with admin stuff; covering me for group projects; texting me regularly to check on my well-being; giving me advices, recommendations & encouragements; etc. thank u.

updated FAQs:
-i’m feeling better, but still feel a little giddy or slight headache sometimes (dr say its due to my condition).
-i lose 3kg since 13 March.
-my physio said i sustained 21% of muscle atrophy after 3days of immobility in ICU, so i’m doing some simple workout at home (walking, calf raise, biceps curl) to strengthen my muscles.
-i’m been productive at home: submitted 3 reading responses, 6 individual assignments, 1 student researcher report & assorted admin since discharged.
-i get to eat alot of home-cook food since i discharged. :)
-i’m making efforts to slow down my pace of life. my daily routine is alot more regular.
-i really hate eating medicine.
-treatment needs to be fast/asap.

bcoz the greatest worry now is, the tumour might be non-benign (coz the lesion is enhancing) or it might grow/change. this can only be confirm after analysis, which will take abt 1wk after surgery.

Angeline shared a quote by a French philosopher Jean Jacques Rousseau: “There’s no happiness without courage nor virtue without struggle.” Courage can be found from within, you can tide through this!

actually i think the person who is most affected is my mum. she just managed to stand up after losing my dad 2yrs ago & has to deal with my condition now.

life is v fragile & unpredictable.

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Going for surgery to remove the benign brain tumour on 26 May (Tue) at NUH   © 文彬 2004~2024. All rights reserved.

13 March 2020 (Fri)

23 March 2020

on 13 March 2020 (Fri), after buying sweets at Co-op, I had a seizure & fainted in NUS Central Library. i was admitted to NUH ICU, slipped into coma for 2days & only gained conscious on the afternoon of 15 March 2020 (Sun). i’ve discharged on 18 March 2020 (Wed) & will be on MC till end March 2020. this episode caught me by surprise, as i’m generally healthy & never had any history of seizure etc.

i have no idea why i would uploaded an unglam photo of myself in ICU onto social media on 16 March (Mon) & caused everyone to panic and worried about me. i also sent quite alot of illegible texts to several friends and group chats + i was told that I requested for many things that i dont remember now; guess its my subconscious mind that is empowering my mind. my sincere apologies for all the inconvenience caused. nevertheless, i’m thankful to everyone for your concerns and help. the past week has been particularly difficult for my mum & brother, who must be really scared & tired.

in addition, to update, i’m diagnosed with benign brain tumour of about 4cm x 3cm at my right parietal lobe. this benign brain tumour is the cause of my recent seizures, vertigo & fainting spells. a team of neurosurgeons, psychologists, physiotherapists, etc. will be doing alot of tests to assess & discuss how to treat/manage my condition over the next few months. based on current assessment and my age/condition, my main neurosurgeon’s preference is to remove the benign brain tumour through an awake surgery.

tbh i still havent accept my condition yet. at 34-years-old, i feel my world had suddenly collapsed. i feel more upset than sad. i feel that everything i learn, everything i knew & everything i done might become wasted. i’m worried over many things: will i fully recover after surgery? will there be a dent on my skull after the surgery? will i lose any existing memories or functions? will i be able to cope with my medical bills & financial needs? will i still be employable in the future? i also questioned “why me?”, “why do i need to be punished?” when i generally dont do evil things onto others.

but as many ppl knew, i’m a rather strong-willed, stubborn person, someone who dont give up easily when thrown with a challenge. i’m slowly coming to terms with my condition over the past few days & i hope to receive treatment for a full recovery. in fact, i want to win this fight, so that i can continue with whatever things i planned to do (e.g. become a real urban planner; bring my mum to Japan; gg for the long overdue 47都道府県 Tour in 2022; buy my own flat etc.). recovery will be a long (& likely painful) process. but i believe i can overcome this.

meanwhile, i’ll proceed with my master while seeking medical treatment concurrently. for now, please pray for me.

+ if u have neurosurgeons to recommend, please recommend. i am thinking of seeking 2nd opinion(s).

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