my experience and journey with Jesus Christ

08 November 2021

Hello.
I am writing to share my experience and journey with Jesus Christ.

Diagnosed with benign brain tumour
I studied Master of Urban Planning (MUP) at NUS from August 2019. On 13 March 2020 (Fri), after buying sweets at NUS Co-op, I had a seizure (this was the first time I ever had a seizure) and fainted in NUS Central Library. I was admitted to NUH ICU, slipped into coma for 2days and only gained conscious on the afternoon of 15 March (Sun).

After numerous scans and analysis, I was diagnosed with a benign brain tumour of about 4cm x 3cm at my right parietal lobe. This benign brain tumour is the cause of my recent seizures, vertigo & fainting spells. Subsequently over the next few weeks, a team of neurosurgeons, psychologists and physiotherapists did a series of tests to assess my (baseline) condition and discussed how to treat/manage my condition. Based on their assessment and my age/condition, Dr Teo (my main neurosurgeon)’s preference is to remove the benign brain tumour through an awake surgery.

To be honest, at the time when the diagnosis was made known to me, I was calm, but I cannot accept my condition, as it happened out of the blue and I have been generally quite fit and healthy. At 34 years old, I felt my world had suddenly collapsed. I felt more upset than sad. I was worried that everything I learnt, everything I knew and everything I done might become wasted. I was worried over many things: will I fully recover after surgery? will there be a dent on my skull after the surgery? will I lose any existing memories or functions? will I be able to cope with my medical bills and financial needs? will I still be employable in the future? I also questioned “why me?”, “why do I need to be punished?” when I generally don't do evil things onto others. But I am a rather strong-willed, stubborn person, someone who don't give up easily when thrown with a challenge. I slowly came to terms with my condition over the next few days and I hope to receive treatment for a full recovery. At that time, I wanted to win the battle, so that I can continue with whatever things I planned to do in life.

I was scheduled for a surgery to remove the benign brain tumour on 26 May 2020 at NUH. Surgery was the best treatment, because the greatest worry was, the tumour might be non-benign, as the lesion is enhancing, or the tumour might grow/change. The nature of the tumour can only be confirmed after biopsy lab analysis, which will take about 1week after surgery. Dr Teo assured that success rate of the operation is 95%, and if everything goes smoothly, I would fully recover within 1week (fastest) or 3months (slowest). While speech & mobility might be affected during recovery, there won't be any permanent damage. Dr Teo also assured that the tumour and surgery won't affect my memory, knowledge & skills. Although the surgery will leave scar and make me imperfect, it is the only way towards full recovery. also I have faith in Dr Teo and team. Therefore, I took this largest gamble in my life.

Preparing for the Surgery
Based on the outpatient reviews, baseline memory assessment & MRI scans, success rate of the operation remains at 95%; the tumour and surgery is unlikely to cause any permanent damage or affect my memory, knowledge & skills. While I have full confidence with my medical team, I still have my worries about post-op recovery and many what-if. Afterall, it is a major surgery on a complex vital organ. Therefore, while aiming for the most optimistic outcome and keeping my fighting spirit high, I also need to be mentally prepared for the worst case scenarios.

After submitted my final essay for MUP Year 1 Semester 2 on 29 April 2020, I had been spending the next few weeks (which at the worst scenario, might just be the last few days of my life then) flipping through photo albums & jotting down brief month-by-month biography. There were happy moments, beautiful memories, and fair share of sadness and angst. Many of my happiest moments are those I spent with my family and loved ones. I got to talk and laugh with my family on these memories. I wish to have more time to construct more memories with them. I cherished the people & things around me even more and I finally learnt to let go of those that I lose. I was doing this documentation for practicality, in case I might forget part of my memories after the surgery (while unlikely, I thought it was better doing it, just in case). I felt I was fighting against time, as I feel there were so many things I want to do. This was especially true, when time was running out as 26 May 2020 approached. It was also an opportunity for me to reflect on my life: I reviewed what I have dreamt of, what I have done, what I have achieved, which are my pride, what I am aiming for, what I have not completed; and thinking/re-thinking what I want to do in the future. I also wrote my will to my mother and brother. To be honest, this was a very weird and surreal experience.

I am very thankful to be Mumy's son and I am very fortunate to have an extremely supportive brother; no words can express how much I love them. They just recovered from the loss of Papa and now they have to take care of me. They are my greatest motivation to stay alive. I am also fortunate to have relatives who have been very supportive, and friends for your advices, support, encouragement and prayers.

On the morning of 26 May 2020, on my way to NUH for a 10h surgery to remove the benign brain tumour, I wrote what could be my "last words" to my family and friends. I felt like I'm going to a war and I must win this battle. But at the same time, I think I had been rather calm since learning about my condition.

Successful Surgery & Encounter with Jesus
I underwent a surgery on 26 May 2020 to remove the brain tumour; the surgery proper started at 9.45am and lasted for about 5h (including 2h of awake assessment segment) and I gained consciousness at 7.30pm that evening.

Before the surgery, I have always been pretty atheist and never religious. However, I experienced a miracle during the 2nd deep sedation stage (3rd part of the surgery, immediately after the awake assessment, when doctors are covering/sewing back my skull). During this deep sleep/sedation, I dreamt of a young, slim, bearded, Jesus, wearing white rode, holding a staff, with bright lights shining from behind him. However, I cannot see his facial feature clearly due to back light. Jesus introduced himself in Chinese, telling me to wake up if I want to go home. Jesus called my name and introduced himself in chinese "我是耶稣, 不要怕. 如果你要回家, 要见白熊 (my teddy bear since toddler), 你就一定要醒起来, 你需要动动你的手指, 脚趾..." [Translation: Jesus said "I am Jesus. Don't be afraid. If you want to go home, if you want to see white teddy (my teddy bear since toddler), you must wake up; you must move your fingers & toes..."]. I woke up almost immediately, in tears. While the duration is very brief, it is a very real, yet surreal experience, and it does not feel like a dream as I am very aware of my senses. It is a joy when I realized I can easily move my fingers and wiggle my toes. It was 7.30pm when I woke up.

I can see, hear, talk, move my fingers/toes/hands/feet and swallow without difficulties upon waking up. I had on-off tension headaches, nausea & giddiness, which doctors said were normal after a brain surgery. Dr Teo (my neurosurgeon), neuropsychologist, speech therapists and occupational therapists assessed that the surgery is very successful; the team successfully remove all the tumour (confirmed through the post-op MRI scan analysis). I remembered all of my memories and retained all cognitive functions. The biopsy result indicated that the removed tumour is Grade 3; however, as the surgery successfully removed all the tumour cells, my neurosurgeon opined there is no need for further treatment (i.e. no need for radio or chemo therapy), but I am required to be on lifelong follow-up to constantly monitor the condition. I was informed by Dr Teo that I have an additional life expectancy of 7years to chase any unfinished dreams. I was discharged on 30 May 2020.

Recovery is good. I no longer have light-headedness, giddiness nor headache. Overall result of my Post-Op Psychological Assessment on 28 July 2020 is good; my cognitive capability is still above average among my age group. In fact, my learning curve improved and attention span maintained. While my fine visual/spatial judgement was still superior, there is slight impairment as compared to the baseline test done before surgery. However, this did not affect my daily routine or precision accuracy, and I had fully recovered from this. Based on my post-surgery MRI scans & follow-up appointments in August 2020, March 2021 and September 2021, my neurosurgeon assessed that I have fully recovered, but will still be on lifelong follow-up.

I have resumed school life since August 2020 (I have graduated in July 2021) and physical exercises to keep fit. However, there is a rather long and obvious L-shaped scar on my scalp and hair no longer grow from the scar tissue; I am still trying to come to terms with this bald scar.

Faith
After being discharged from hospital, I bought a Children Bible to read and try my best to know more about Jesus and the Christianity faith. I also tried to research and read text online to learn more about Jesus, Christianity and the Bible.

I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour on 26 May 2020 (the day of the surgery). I would like to thank Jesus for his love & blessing. I am eternally grateful to Jesus. I am really really very grateful to Jesus for saving my life and encouraging me during my weakest. His words and the miracle helped me to overcome a difficult hurdle in life. I guess, sometimes, we do need faith and miracle to overcome a difficult hurdle in life. I am still praying hard to Jesus for full recovery, and never suffer a relapse. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

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