28 March 2024 (Thursday)

28 March 2024

Today (28 March 2024 Thursday), I am finally done with all radiotherapy treatment. I also completed the first phase of chemotherapy treatment (daily pill) today. Praise the Lord for giving me strength & sustaining me. 🙏🏻

During my routine follow-up at NUH on 7 June 2023, my neurosurgeon Dr Teo Kejia informed that from MRI scans, the brain tumour had relapsed.

The next day (8.6.23 Thu), after my morning shower, I had a huge cry; a huge emotional breakdown. I told Mumy that I am really very tired. I am tired of fighting, tired of waiting, tired of living in fear, tired of eating medicine, tired of having no freedom, tired of having false hope, tired of struggling. the outburst is an accumulation of anxiety & frustration, unrealized dreams, etc... I still have scary flashback of the May 2020 operation. memories of being wheelchaired to the OT alone (CB restrictions), with the 8am morning sunshine flooding the long corridor is still haunting me (to the extent that i developed a phobia of seeing morning sunlight shining through glass panels). I was also alone thruout the 5days stay in hospital. While the 2020 surgery is very successful, i still cant help but worry whether i might lose part of my memory or functions (i.e. language, motor, sensory) if i go thru another operation. I am really afraid of losing memory & functions.

Ironically, another part of me screamed loudly that if i gave up now, it is a complete lost, as there will really be no hope, something i'm not resigned to.

Mumy hug & sayang me. Mumy said she already lost Papa & she dont want to lose me. Mumy took some of my favourite things for me; Mumy tells me to hug jimjim, baixiong & xiaoxiong. Mumy wiped my tears; she tells me to stop crying. However, i told her i feel better for crying out, so she let me cry. Mumy says i should only start thinking after i calm down. Mumy also passed me my bible, ask me to read & calm down. Mumy said Jesus will protect me. Mumy hug & sayang me again.

After much consideration, I decided to go for the operation. As there are still too many things unsettled, I discussed with Dr Teo for the surgery to be after the planned Japan trip in September 2023, because 1 of my '2020 dying wish' was to bring Mumy to Japan at least once, and I had already booked our flight & hotels in March 2023. The operation was originally scheduled on 16 October 2023. However, I was down with flu after the Japan trip, so the operation was postponed till 26 December 2023, as the medical team opined that there is risk of infection & vibration due to cough & phlegm.

Together with my surgeon Dr Kejia, anaesthesian Dr Will, clinical psychologist Dr Hui Minn & team, I fought bravely again during the operation on 26 December 2023. Based on the op procedures, awake segment assessments & MRI scans, Doctors shared that the surgery is successful, removing most of the tumour (estimated >95% of the tumour) without affecting my functions & memories. The residual cannot be removed, as the awake assessment shows that removing it will affect the function & sensation of my left hand. Hence, i'm advised to do radiotherapy & chemotherapy to destroy the residual, prevent the residual from growing or progress, prevent relapse, and to prolong my life.

I started the 1st radiotherapy session on 13 February 2024 (every work day); I also started chemotherapy on 13 February 2024 (via pills daily).

The fatigue from radiotherapy, constipation from the chemo pills & hair fall from radiotherapy are really difficult to handle. Before treatment, my oncologists did mentioned that there might be hair loss. The radiotherapists shared that hair loss is temporary & likely will only start after the 14th session. True enough, after completing the 14th session, when I was showering at home, I started seeing significant hair fall on the part of my scalp where radiotherapy treatment is targeting. It is very scary, upset & sad to see my hand with lots of hair whenever i wash or touch it. The radiotherapists shared that the hair fall is due to irritation from radiation treatment, hair fall might increase gradually, but hair will regrow about 2-4weeks after treatment stop.

Shouting a big 'Thank You' to all radiotherapists of A14 (Carinne, Rahmat, Chin Leng) [+ other radiotherapists (e.g. Samantha, Choon Yen, Guan Da, Guan Lee, Jian Yang) who helped out at A14]. Going through radiotherapy treatment is scary. There is a lot of anxiety; procedures like putting on the tight mask induces claustrophobia, detecting burnt smell and feeling random pain/sensation during or after treatment, expecting and experiencing different kinds of side effects after each session, mild dizziness, fatigue, hair fall, etc. Honestly, these can be quite overwhelming on certain days. Thank you for being so patient and assuring throughout the 33 radiotherapy sessions, listening to my concerns and answering all my enquiries. Thank you for playing a big role in my recovery journey.

My health condition is the reason why I have been declining invitations for bday celebrations, x'mas, cny, gatherings, meet-ups and weddings. my sincere apologies for these and appreciate your understanding on this.

I will be on 28days break, before transiting to a '5days chemo 23days rest' cycle, which should end on 17 September 2024.

While my life plans are messed up and many plans need to be postponed, I have faith that I will win this battle. Please pray for me for healing and full recovery.

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